Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Goodbye LA

I had a dream last night that was horrible. In it I was traveling by foot across he country and I had made it to an San Francisco. When I got there the city was in ruins, people trying to pick-up the pieces of a shattered life. I passed someone along the way and asked how I could get to LA from here. They said 'Los Angeles is no more. It was the epicenter for the earthquake. Its completely destroyed, little to no survivors. Everyone along the West Coast felt it, some cities were only minorly affected while others, like LA, were completely destroyed. It happened around 3AM while everyone was asleep. That's why there are so many dead.'

I didn't want to believe it myself so I traveled there, and like the man had said to me, LA was no longer there. I saw a person here or there trying to remove things or people from the wreckage but it was only futile. I then heard and saw military choppers, or what I assumed were military, zoom past me and collected people one by one to take them to 'safe zones'. That's when I heard a voice tell me, 'This is only the beginning, it will get worse from here'. And that's where my dream ended.

If anyone on the West Coast is reading this, I urge you to please keep yourselves as safe as possible. I can't stop what may happen but I can hopefully try to soften the blow if t does happen.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Embracing the Darkness

In everyone's life there must be a balance. The good and the evil, the light and the dark, the positive and the negative. For too long we all have tried to hide our darker selves away, trying to be good for the sake of society. I am guilty of this too. I tried for many years to be good, to be the poster child of a good daughter, doing what I was told, and burying all my 'bad' emotions inside.

I've decided to stop that. I no longer wish to have this nagging feeling in my soul, like something's missing, and its been eating away at me. Now I find myself with this huge gap there that I cannot fill with the normal 'happiness, sunshine, and rainbows'. I feel the only course of action is to finally embrace my darker half and to gain some balance in my life.

I know it will be a hard journey, I will see things about myself that will make me want to turn my head in disgust. But I must embrace these parts of me in order to become whole. I know surely that if I do not I am going to kill whatever good is left in me and all that will be left is the husk of a human being.

I would rather die then allow this to happen.

I will keep you posted of my progress.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Butterfly

This dream has been reoccurring one for some time now. I've managed to translate its meaning and I know why I get it. Mainly I have this dream after a particularly puzzling dream the night before.

It starts off with me in a black abyss. I'm wandering around trying to find something, anything. Suddenly the ground begins to shake violently. Out from the ground sprout walls, they go up so high I lose sight of them. The walls begin shifting and I have to move fast. I begin running. Its like a maze honestly. I turn a corner and a wall quickly goes up. I run another direction and manage to get a bit farther when I slam into another wall.

Suddenly the ground begins to shake violently again. The walls stop moving but I can see a few yards away the ground is starting to cave in. I begin running full speed the other direction turning corners quickly, trying to find a way out. I'm not that lucky. The ground collapses under me and I fall for what feels like hours.

Then I land in a body of water. I come up for air but only for a brief moment. lack tentacle-like things come out of the water and grab me. They begin to drag me down under the surface. I try to break free but for every one I break free from 2 more take its place. I can feel the water filling my lungs and I know I'm going to die. So I stop struggling.

It seems like hours again, I'm slowly being pulled further and further away from the surface, all hope seems lost. Suddenly I see a butterfly floating up from below. Its a brilliant blue and purple butterfly. I then hear myself think 'Why is there a butterfly underwater?' Its begins floating upwards to the surface and I can see it hovering just above the water now.

My strength and determination become renewed and I completely break free from my captors, I can hear a low scream as I swim upwards. The minute I break the surface I take in a big breath of air. I can feel it. I can actually feel it. Its amazing. Its begins to rain at his point. I see a shoreline and swim for it.

When I get there I see what I thought my salvation turns out to be another obstacle. The ground is angled in such a way it seems almost impossible to climb up, on top of that there are the bodies of all those who came before me and have never made it. I see the butterfly again. Its fluttering gently at the top of the peak where I see a light. I know I have to get there.

I begin to climb. The rain does not make it easy. I slip several times, my nails digging into the mud and rock. I can feel it, under my fingernails, I can feel everything. I almost want to give up again but I remember whats behind me, the lost hope, the acceptance of defeat, I didn't want tot go back to that. I continue my climb.

What again feels like hours I make it to the top. I am bruised, bleeding, in pain, but not broken. I see my butterfly first, my hope. And then I gaze at the source of the light and am filled with horror. What I thought to be my peace is something far worse then I could've thought possible. Yggdrasil, the world tree, the source of life, was burning. Everything around it as a desolate waste land. There was no life here for life itself was being destroyed.

I felt sadness like I never knew and an emptiness that would've consumed me. I thought to myself why did I struggle and suffer so much just o see this? What was the purpose of it? I was better off drowning in my lost hope.

The butterfly flew to me and whispered to me 'Now you know our pain. Now you know what you must sacrifice.'

For a long time I've pondered this dream, I could give several meanings to it, but I have found one that better suits me. I figure it is a representation of myself in many tages. The first being empitness (the abyss), the next being confusion (the maze), then lost hope (the sea and the black tentacle things, followed by a small hope (the butterfly), then renewed strength, followed by struggle and acceptance (the shoreline and the bodies), and finally understanding what I will have to sacrifice to gain the knowledge I seek.

It may not be perfect, but until I can find some other meaning to it, this is the closest thing I have to it. I leave you to interpret it as you will.


The First Signs

As I've stated previously I've decided to record my dreams and daily musings. This first dream I will write about happened some time ago. It was the first in a series of dreams that would come and eventually cause me many sleepless nights. So without further delay here's the first dream I will share with the world.

It started with screams. I could hear them even as I type this. Panicked screams, people calling out names of loved ones, and the feeling of fright and being rushed. My vision was just as confusing. It felt like I was tumbling and I couldn't get my balance at first. Then I hit the ground hard. I could feel the dirt grinding into my palms and I could see feet rushing past me. I put my hand out to pull myself up and I felt what I though was a chain link fence. I was outside, I could feel the heat of the sun and the dryness of the air.

Finally my vision cleared and I pulled myself up, I could see what I was touching was not just some ordinary chain link fence, but a cage of some sort. People were being pushed and lead into different directions in front of me, I was also being trampled. I pulled myself up and was pressed against this cage. People were tarting to panicked more and I could hear orders being shouted from somewhere.

I then looked across the way and saw several other cages. I could see people being pulled out of them and being shoved in one direction or another. I saw 2 of my friends in another cage and screamed for them. They saw me but before they could say anything they were pulled from the cage and shoved in the opposite direction.

I was pushed to the ground again and started getting trampled again. I screamed, I could feel feet kicking and stepping on me, but no one could hear me over the sounds of panic. Suddenly a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me up. I looked and saw it was my friend who I will refer to from here on out as 'J'. He said to stay with him and his grip on my arm was so tight that when I awoke later I was bruised there.

Finally it was our turn at the front. The man, dressed in a white uniform with a red cap looked at me nd said 'Sector C' and looked at my friend J and said 'Sector B', but J wouldn't let me go and dragged me along with him. The man in the red cap didn't seem to care and continued shoving people into different directions. My friend continued to hold on to me and as e were all being escorted to our proper sectors I saw a sign. It read 'Welcome to the Federal Emergency Management Agency Sector B, "Camp Hope"'. J turned to me as we were going inside and said 'You were right, you were right all along'.

And that's when I awoke.

The dreams to follow would be in the same patterns. But those are for a later time. For now I will leave you with this first one.


The First Blog

My mind can be a very messy place

Sometimes I wonder if people underestimate the power of dreams. Schools of thought say dreams are a way for your subconscious to make sense of things that happen in your daily life.

But what about those dreams that don't? Those dreams that have no association with your world, and seeing things you have never seen before.

This blog is going to chronicle all the dreams I've had as well as my daily musings and whatever else I feel like writing. Mainly because I can no longer keep them a secret. My dreams show me an apocalyptic future, a future I know will be one fraught with danger, confusion, hatred, death, but in the end an understanding. I see things in my daily life I can't explain nor can a lot of people.

So without further ado I welcome you all to the madness that is my mind!